"I'm not perfect, but I keep trying because that's what I said I would do from the start"

I was listening to the song from Hedley and although I love that song, and although the song is about 2 lovers, I felt the words just stuck to me because I related it to my life everyday as a mother.

This past month my husband and I ventured sans les kids to Niagara for 2 nights. Some may have thought it would be almost impossible to do since I have so many darn kids and that I would not be able to pay people large amounts of money to leave my kids with them. But I was lucky that my mother and mother in law agreed to stay (free of charge..lol) with the little rugrats, so we were able to go. It was a very late 10 year Anniversary get away (which we celebrated last October)lol. So we left the kids and had 2 nights of adults only. I have to say, it was nice.

I love being with my kids (when they sleep) lol, no but seriously, I think getting a break from them sometimes is great. It does not happen very often for us, but when it does I really appreciate it. Life can be very hectic, you wonder where the time goes, and sometimes, you wish for the days to come to an end just so you can go to sleep. Being a parent is a very hard job, and I don’t care if you have1 kid or if you have 6 kids, when you are a parent, your mind does not belong to you anymore, it belongs to the little people you brought into this world. Sometimes as a couple you get so enthralled in your kids lives that you forget about the life you have together as a couple.

I hear it all the time from couples that have older kids, “Oh you will see when the kids grow up you will have more time together as a couple.” How about if I don’t want to wait until then? How about if I want to have time with my husband now? Does that make me a bad person? Does it make me a bad mother? Is it so wrong to admit that sometimes you just want to crawl under a rock and tell your kids “no hablo anglais?” We are young now. Just because we are raising kids it does not mean we have to lose our identity of who we were before them. We are not bad parents if we admit to people that we like our kids to go to bed early so we can have some downtime. We are not bad people if we want to go watch a movie once in a while with our mates. We are not bad people if we enjoy the occasional “girls night”. That is what life is all about. We are people before we are parents.

I remember my sister told me once that is was ok to want to do something selfish for myself. I thought she was nuts because she did not have kids yet, and I just assumed she did not understand. I thought to myself, “am I a bad mother if I openly say that I enjoy wanting a spa weekend or a night out with some friends. She said to me, “you are a woman before you are a mother.” A t the time it did not register. At the time I thought she was being a feminist, and at the time I never would have agreed. I have grown since then, I do realize that in order for me to be a happy mother, I need to be a happy person first.

Our children do not make us who we are, they just compliment our lives. We should not describe ourselves as mothers, but instead as women that have children. When you are a parent, there is no greater person in the world, there is no greater love in the world, and there is no stronger emotion in the world than that you feel for your child. But that does not mean we should feel guilty for admitting we want a break. It does not mean that sometimes we want to change our name to daddy..lol..and it does not mean that we would not give up our life for them. All it means is that from the day we had our children we had an instant bond, an instant love, and an instant connection. It means that we will do anything for them at any time of the day. I say it all the time; my father will still leave his home at midnight if I needed something. But that does not mean he does not deserve time alone. It does not mean he does not deserve time with my mother. It just means he will do what he can for me when I need something.

I know it will get easier and before I know it, they will be preparing for University and I will look back and wonder where all the time has gone. I know that life flies faster than we ever thought it would, and I know I have to enjoy them every day of their tiny lives.

There is not one day that I do not thank God for my children, but there is also not 1 day that I don’t feel like pulling a Thelma and Louise..lol. But I say, that is what life is all about. It is about learning every step of the way. It is about listening to other people’s advice when you think they may be right. It is about finding out the hard way sometimes that our kids really do hate us when they are teenagers.

I don’t know how I will be when I am 50 years old. I can only try to be the person I am now at 25..lol..(ok add 10 to that)..lol. I am trying everyday to be a good mother; I am trying everyday to be a good role model to my kids. I am trying everyday to be a woman before being a mother. I am trying to keep the silent I promise I made to myself when I became a mother; to be the best I can be. And I know I can only do that one day at a time, one step at a time, 1 breath at a time and I now know that I am not perfect, but I keep trying, because that’s what I said I would do from the start.
That’s my peace today!

Rapini and White Bean Panini
1 bunch rapini, washed cut into 2 inch pieces
2 cloves crushed garlic
2 cups white beans
1/4 cup olive oil
4 large buns
salt to taste

Boil rapini for 4 minutes, salt water.Drain and cool. Strain out water once cooled and menawhile add oil and garlioc to a heated pan. Add rapini and beans. Mix and almost mash the 2 together.Add salt. Remove from stove, cut the panini in half and open like a book. Add rapini and beans. (If you have a panini press you can heat the bread once stuffed.)